


What We Do Behind the Scenes

by thedragontongue



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (2014), What We Do in the Shadows (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Gen, IM CHANGING THINGS FROM THE DLC OK, Slow Burn, WE GOING AU, also please dont take this seriously this is a just for fun fic, fourth wall breaking too, oh god its going to get META, vampire roommates ? oh my!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:33:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29305794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedragontongue/pseuds/thedragontongue
Summary: After leaving Beauclair and Toussaint forever, Dettlaff Van Der Eretein travels to different worlds to gain personal growth and perhaps even re-establish himself. However, due to an unfortunate state of accidents he ends up on modern day Earth, in a strange place called Staten Island with no current way of leaving.Will he find love in the human who's apartment he crashed in, will he become friends with these so called vampires on Staten Island, or will he carve out his own path?
Relationships: Dettlaff van der Eretein/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 4





	What We Do Behind the Scenes

The sound of police sirens passing by on the worn-down streets rattled the nearby windows in her bedroom for hours now. It was the first night, officially, settling into her new place. A cramped and old mildew smelling apartment in Staten Island on the seventh floor. The walls were so thin as well anyone could practically hear a conversation their next door neighbor had with their spouse or others on the phone. Thankfully though, it was relatively quiet in the late hours of the night.

Gloria tossed and turned in her bed, her tired dark brown eyes stared at the rickety fan that ever still hummed but did little to fix the stuffy heat in the darkness. She grimaced as she felt the sheets sticking onto her skin as she shifted in the thin covers of her bedsheets as she tried to go back to sleep since she started work tomorrow at 9:00 am sharp.

As much as Gloria tried to keep an overall positive outlook on her surroundings and life—- the odds were stacked against her, at least for the moment. The move from her small town in Florida had cost her. Some of her things were lost in shipping or stolen. The 1990s silver Volkswagen, her first and only car (that her now recently deceased Dad gave her) was broken into, the thieves found nothing of much value but it was the principle of the matter that affected her more. She had so many positive memories attached to the Van. Not even once in her former town was her van broken into either. Not to mention, the front seat on the passenger side window was completely shattered and she just broke down in tears after duct-taping the window shut.

Hopefully, she’ll save enough from her new full-time job to get it replaced as soon as possible. The job wasn’t great but she managed to snag it thanks to connections.

Regardless, she was here and she was going to make the best of it eventually.

Her mind was racing with further thoughts and she looked up blankly at the old white and slightly yellow rough popcorn ceiling when suddenly a loud crash came from her living room. At first, she thought it was her cat, Jinks, but she remembered she left him in the bathroom to acclimate to the new environment.

 _Just my luck. First the fucking car and now this, Jesus._ Gloria, thought as she grabbed the ponytail off her wrist and pulled up her dark wavy hair into a bun. _Wait, where the fuck is my phone?_

Gloria’s eyes widened in fear as she looked over to her cardboard boxes that still held her books , clothing and other items she hadn't taken out yet. Hell, she only put together one bookshelf before calling it a night. After searching some more her phone was nowhere to be found, she misplaced it yet again. The closest thing she had to a weapon though was the swiffer sweeper and that had to do. Slowly and quietly, she got out of her bed; Gloria picked up the sweeper and opened the bedroom door to face whatever or whoever was the cause of the continuous crashing, thumps, and movement in her living room. She raised the sweeper up high and turned on the top living room light to stun the intruder and screamed.

“Ay, get the fuck out of my house!”

“Who are you ?” A dark hazy figure turned around to face her. “ What is this place? Where have you sent me, human?!”

Gloria furrowed her eyebrows and lowered her weapon slightly as she came to terms with who she saw. “What the—— Dettlaff ? Is that really you?”

“How do you know my name? Detlaff Van Der Eretein paused, his face and eyes softened briefly. “Do you know Regis? Who are you ?” He asked further as he walked closer but Gloria extended the swiffer sweeper further to keep him at bay.

“I —- oh hell no, no way, this must be a dream! I’ve been reading way too much fan-fiction and I drunk way too many glasses of cheap wine last night. I didn’t send you anywhere, I—”

“Lower your weapon!” Dettlaff ordered her, his cold blue eyes stared at her still with anger mixed with confusion and frustration.

“What, this thing ?” She looked at it then back at him with an anxiously slight smile. “This is a swiffer sweeper! It’s practically harmless, in fact it's a cleaning tool.” Gloria said to the high vampire with a huff. “Hey, lower your huge claws!”

“I—- they’re not huge, they serve their function appropriately and are a moderate size. " Detlaff replied. "And that sweeper, it is similar to a spear. What does that small piece of cloth do onto it?” 

“It collects and traps dust.” She said plainly. 

“Hmm, very inventive.” Dettlaff replied curtly to her, taking a step back and reassessing the situation. 

“Yes, quite.” She said.

“I still don’t trust you.” Dettlaff said back plainly to the strange human woman.  
  
Gloria assumed he didn’t see her as a major threat anymore but they were both still on guard.

"And I, you. Lower or retract your claws and I’ll answer any your questions after.”

“You first, lower that sweeper.”

“No you! Ah, we’re not children, look ---you entered my home unexpectedly and made an absolute mess of my living room!” Gloria argued. 

A pause of uneasy silence caught the both of them.  
.  
“Fine, I’ll go first, alright. Please, please, don’t hurt me.” She set the swiffer sweeper on the side of the wall near her bedroom door and stepped closer to him, showing her empty hands. He looked into her eyes, studying them. Although she tried to maintain composure, her eyes quivered from worry.

“Oh, cease your worry and impending tears. If I had truly wanted to harm you, you’d already be dead.” He told her as he retracted his claws and transformed back to his normal appearance.

Gloria breathed in and sighed, “So, what do you want to know?” She didn’t move any closer to Detlaff from where stood.

“What is this place? Where is this place ? I entered a portal and did not end up where I intended to be.” Dettlaff demanded.

“Are you reallyy sure this is not a dream?” She reached out a hand to him. “Can I touch the cuff of your coat? I honestly still find it hard to believe that you are here and this is happening right now. I know it's an odd request and I understand if you are against it—-.”.

“You may come forth.” He rolled his eyes and beckoned her closer. Gloria touched one of his rough dark leather cuffs, feeling the worn lines of wear and grooves that bits of dirt and dust clung onto for some time. It was real as could be. Her fingers only momentarily traced the intricate design of the patterns before Dettlaff pulled away.

“Am I real enough for you now?”, He asked.

“Yes, thank you. This place is called Staten Island, in New York, a big city in the State of New York, that is in the country called The United States of America. There are many countries on this planet, that’s called Earth. You know what, man, I could’ve just asked Siri to do this instead ----.”. She answered.

“What creatures reside in this Staten Island, besides humans?” Dettlaff cut her off.

“Uh, besides the typical animals, I- I’m not sure. Do you mean like you or _monsters_ in general?”

“Mhm.”

“I personally haven’t seen a lot of them myself but I’ve heard from one of my friends who’s an intern.” Gloria shrugged. “She’s seen a troll, fairies, werewolves, and vampires. She works on this documentary series that hasn’t aired yet, it's about this group of vampires who are roommates.”

Room-mates? As in whores? Dettlaff looked at her, raising an eyebrow.

“Uh no--- they're other people who live in the same house or apartment. It's not sexual and even if it were, no shame there.”

“Disgusting, living with other people.” Detlaff said in distaste.

“You haven’t lived with others not related to you before? Ever?”

“No, I even kept servant quarters separated but that was long long ago.”

“I--- oh man, everything you said was wrong and so messed up----.”

“Bah, did you not say there are other vampires here? I must find them." He turned away from Gloria and looked towards the nearest window leading towards the outside that had the fire-escape ladder. “Perhaps they know how to deal with my situation and can find a proper solution.”.

“Woah hold up, before you break my windows to head outside... I’d need to talk to her first, the whole operation is very hush-hush! Even I thought at one time she was just wacko but if shit like this happens then of course creatures like you and other monsters exist.”

 _Oh fuck, I don’t even want to think about multiple universes or time travel right now. Alright, get a grip._ Gloria shook her head. _I need to make a phone call._

She looked around on the messy floor and then shuffled the seats of the couch to find her phone. She finally found it lodged in the inside of the couch and started to dial her friend’s number to which Dettlaff recoiled, stepping farther away from her.

“Another contraption? A sorcerer’s tablet ? A miniature swiffer sweeper???” He said, wary.

“No, Dettlaff. It’s a —- how do I simplify this? It's a messaging device that allows people to —- to contact and converse with others either by voice or writing on the device. Does that make sense ?”

He became less tense, although he fidgeted his hands out of comfort. “I suppose, continue with your contacting this Intern through the ether with this small rectangle.”

Gloria waited, putting the phone on speaker and hoped her friend would answer the call.

“-ey? What the fuck, it’s like 5:00 am? Are you hurt or drunk or ???? Do I need to beat someone up?”

“Oh thank god, I’m so glad you picked up!” Gloria said.

“What is this God you speak of and why do you thank him ? Is he here? With us? Why can I not see him?” Detlaff spoke out.

“Wh-- Who’s that? Did some guy you sleep with don’t want to leave? Want me to come over there and kick him out? Or did y’all have a bad trip experience? What did I say about taking too many shrooms?!“

She motioned over to Dettlaff to keep quiet, he frowned deeply in return.

“No! NO! It’s not like that. It’s more of the supernatural kind?” Gloria didn’t know how to explain the situation well.

“Oh yeah, let me just ring up Scooby Doo and the gang for you—- I’m sure they’ll be happy to help!” They said, mocking her.

“Enough, please.” Gloria sighed. “ I’m serious. It’s odd. I’m talking like batshit odd. Like your intern job odd, that kind of odd!”

“Well damn, alright. You ain’t shitting me? You got a vampire with you?”

Her friend sounded more awake and alert now.

“Not just any vampire—- _Dettlaff Van Der Eretin_.” She stressed to her friend.

“Are you sure you’re not drunk or high ? ‘Cause if I just heard right you said that big guys name from The Witcher 3 DLC? What’s it called— uh, Blood and Vines? Your Blood is Mine ?? Ah— Blood and Wine, that’s it!”

I’m sober and I swear on it by your grandmother's grave. And yes it’s that one !!!!” Gloria insisted.

“Alright, I'm heading over. Good thing I’m only like 2 blocks away. See yah!”

“Thanks, bye!” Gloria hung up the call and breathed a sigh of relief. 

“So that is how that contraption works. It is similar to a Xenovox.”

“Yeah. That thing, Kiera Metz used to talk to Geralt, I remember.” Detlaff still looked so confused and now terribly uncomfortable. “Would —- would you like to sit down ? I know this must be a lot for you to handle. I mean, shit, its a lot for me to handle.” Gloria offered for him to sit down next to her on the couch.

Dettlaff nodded and sat down, “I just don’t understand, the portal….”

“Next thing you know, Geralt of Rivia will show up.” She joked.

“I dare hope not. He had—-” Detlaff started.

“I know.”

“How do you know these things?” Detlaff asked softly.

“It’s a story for another time, Detlaff. I promise I’ll tell you, on top of all of the other things to explain, I think it's good to start at the basics. Does that make sense and is it that alright with you ? “

“It is acceptable—- for now.” He said.

“Thank you, Detlaff. Would you like something to drink or eat while we wait for my friend? I have water and —”.

“Water? In all consideration of this, this place… I refuse. The irrigation system for Toussaint is awful.”

“You might be surprised. This is the future, we have filters, Dettlaff.” Gloria got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen, pulling two small glasses out of the cabinet and then poured water in them from her Brita pitcher she had in the fridge. “ The tap water in cities are still shit though in most American cities, to be honest, that’s not changed.”

“Despicable, really.” He said softly as he held the cup of water Gloria handed to him, staring at the clear water.

“Yeah.” She took a sip from her own cup and set it down on the coffee table.

A knock on her apartment door averted further conversation.

"Coming!" Gloria said, heading towards the door.

"Your friend?" Detlaff asked her.

“Yeah, it should be.”

“Holy shit,” Gloria’s friend blurted out as soon as she saw him on the couch. “It really is him.” She came closer and inspected him, eyeing him from head to toe.

“Yes, its me.” Dettlaff retorted, setting down his cup. “Now where are these vampires you speak of?”

**Author's Note:**

> After holding back on publishing this work for months, I'm finally doing it. I had more than enough caffeine today and I have the courage to just say fuck it.  
> Work might be updated and continued or not, who knows!
> 
> All that I DO know, though, is that if you're interested in Vampires and you haven't seen What We Do in the Shadows (film) and What We do in the Shadows (subsequent tv series) you should. Its a great and funny take on Vampires. One of my favorite series, honestly and it inspired me to write this crossover fic. 
> 
> ALSO Blood and Wine was a superb DLC. The music slaps and I loved almost every aspect of it. Dettlaff is a complex character and he's deeply flawed, I don't condone him murdering Syanna / Rhenawedd though. So as of this fic, I went my own route with Syanna survives ---- but is jailed for her crimes. Anna is still Queen, surviving the assassination attempt. Geralt condemns Dettlaff but spares his life due to Regis. I won't go more into detail, since that info is to be explored for further possible chapters.
> 
> Lastly, thanks for reading! If you liked the fic please comment or critique! I'm a hobbyist writer, I genuinely want to improve and I appreciate peoples comments. :)


End file.
